Just like one of my previous writings, this one also came to be from a conversation I had with my father a few nights ago and my mother the day before. It’s been quite long since the last time I posted something on any social media, so I thought a comeback post of appreciation would be nice.
This writing will be all over the place, but mainly it’s about the meaning of my parents’ existence to me and how they affect me in making my way out of all problems in life.
Mama. Bapak. Those two words, just like to anybody else, are a pair of words that is beyond any word to explain the meaning. They are my driving force. In a package, they bring me warmth, joy, and tears. With my nature of complex mind, plus my complex health condition, and with a sequence of bad things keep happening, maybe it would’ve been over if not for them.
Anyway, all this started because my old illness reappear, and as always, I couldn’t deal with the overwhelming emotion so I shut myself and all means of communication for a while, until I finally thought I’m quite okay and reached out again to my Mom and Dad, my Abang, and close friends.
I was terrified at first, mostly of guilt, but anyway I texted them, and my mom and dad took turns to call me. And my conversation with them is the inspiration of all the contemplation and mountain of emotions that resulted in this writing.
I initially wanted to make this into 2 writings, but for some reasons, I prefer the story to be one and complete so there’ll be two parts. Part one is what I talked with my dad the other night, and then part two about how I perceive those words we shared and make out significant meaning out of that.
Anyway, to the story. So, I texted them with a long apology and explanation, and acknowledgment of being wrong, and they just called me and we talked about what happened in a light mood as if I never made a mistake. After talking in the afternoon, I was doing activities with relieved and light heart. Then just about the time I walked home past 10 pm, my dad called me again, and I know it’s a big deal every time he called me at about midnight. We talked for about one and a half hour, and after that call, I felt this overwhelming warmth and relief and happiness and confidence, that I’ll be alright.
For part one, I’m going to write my story in the form of actual conversation, because I think it will be more beautiful if I basically quote my dad’s exact words.
Basically, all we were talking about rooted in one topic, how come I find things so hard that it overwhelmed me. Another thing is my personality as a total introvert which sometimes drives my parents crazy. They want me to be able to complain, to share my struggle whatever it is, to go out having fun with friends and to do other activities alike for a woman my age.
So, here is the conversation…
Dad: Why do you find it hard to just tell everything to your friend or even your parent?
Me: Well, I’ve never been used to do that in the first place.
Dad: It is because, before all this, there is nothing worthy of complaining in your life, you had it smooth, but you have to learn. Stocking problems and emotions are not healthy at all.
Me: I know that. It’s just, not as easy as one may think, the thing about changing habit and personality.
Dad: That’s the point sweetheart, nothing easy in the effort of becoming a better person. One thing we have to discuss is why you find it really hard. I believe it’s because you never had trouble growing up, that’s why one hindrance could make you suffer a lot. Others in your age got various problems, but you, you always have full access to do anything you want, you never have a financial problem because we make sure you don’t lack anything.
Me: Yeah, what I always say, I didn’t choose to be this way, I’m not complaining though, I’m happy with this me. It’s just, I find it unfair how it is only about me. You couldn’t blame me that I ended up this way. You never let me exposed to the possibility of being unsafe or adventure or free friendship. You love me too much, not that I complain, I am forever grateful to be raised with abundant love and security, but we cannot exclude that from the making of me. I only spend my times with books and movies. There’s no way someone growing up that way would be normal. Personality comes from a very long process. And you and Mom are the ones who raised me, so you should easily see why I am like this.
Dad: I and your Mother have to acknowledge that, we did something we probably shouldn’t do. We thought what we did to you is enough. We thought our method was the ideal one. But reality doesn’t say so.
Me: Hahaha, thank you for acknowledging that.
Dad: However, what happened in the past, already happened. It’s true that there were mistakes, but our only choice now is to make things right. The most basic, short-term effort you can do is trying to change your way of coping with emotion. You should let at least your parents know. I am talking to you like this right now, doesn’t mean I’m not upset at what you did, shutting down communication and lead us all worry. But if I show that I am upset, I know it will only make thing worse for you. That’s why I didn’t.
Me: Well, I know you extremely well, like too well, so I know you must be upset even though you didn’t let me know, hahaha. I am thankful though Pa, that you pretend not to be upset at all. I really appreciate that.
Dad: Hahahahha. Sweetheart, use this moment to look back at yourself and your faith. The philosophy of this, bitterness must strike a whole lot harder to someone who only knows sweet before. Your life, from the moment you were born, until the time you left home to pursue your study, nothing big happened. Everything was so smooth, even too smooth. The conclusion is, all the problems came to your life with one purpose, in order to make you a normal human being. And you have to think and try to understand that purpose. In human’s life, only bitterness drives someone to either hopelessness or ultra-cynic and only sweets drive someone to arrogance. There should be dynamic between sweet and bitterness. Now, God must’ve given you all this bitterness, because without you realize, maybe you’re starting to forget to appreciate sweetness, because sweetness is easy and common for you, that’s why God gave you a taste of bitterness, as a moment of contemplation, so you won’t forget to be grateful, and to understand, it does take effort to have sweetness in your life so it deserves appreciation.
That conversation above led me to think about many things, mostly about parenting, that I am grateful to be raised in a good way and to have the greatest Mom and Dad I could ever imagine. Maybe it is more like bragging because I am so proud of my Mom and Dad. I don’t have much to brag, but when it comes to them, I could brag like there is no end.
I am quite a cynic, I read so much and I know so much so it’s hard to accept other’s advice, especially because most people give advice without actually knowing what’s really going on. It takes someone powerful to humble me. Like I am a crybaby, and I am trained to respect and appreciate people, but I’m also very confident at what I know, so it’s hard to really control me. There are two living humans who can reach to my heart no matter how complicated things are though. My Mom and Dad.
My mother is the epitome of a confident independent woman. She’s great at typical woman’s job, but she’s also capable of doing works that take huge energy. She’s a hard worker but was raised with love all her life, so she’s gifted with grace and compassion, yet so tough and strong. My mom, she’s just the most sincere person I’ve ever known. She is so simple that there’s no other way but to be humble toward her. She’s so emotionally stable, so otherworldly kind. When she tells something, there’s no point of assessing her choice of words and play out the cynic cosplay, you just fall for her kindness, simplicity and utmost sincerity.
My dad, on the other hand, he’s just someone I really am very proud of. He and the perfect mixture of logical knowledge and spiritual faith in him. Maybe that’s why I very much depend on him because he knows the perfect approach to calm me down. He is academically and emotionally smart. He studies people, moral and philosophy, and within the years of studying, he learned how to be a decent human, a decent husband, a decent father, and a contributing part of society. Because I acknowledge his personal and professional life, I grow to respect him very much. Ahhhh, my very smart father. I love him as my father, but as a human, as a teacher, he’s also amazing beyond words.
Really though, I am grateful beyond words for my parents for being very smart and very classy, and yet they are full of traditional values, so it is easy to talk out almost everything without the children feel being told off or bullshitted. We’re always open to discuss parenting, the relationship between parents and children, being a good parent, being a good child, being a decent human being and any other insignificant topics.
The conversation with my father above led me to think about these five things.
1. The definition of love.
Maybe it’s right that love is all about the feeling, but I think, sometimes you have to let yourself see the concrete sign and let you define what love really is. It’s like this, I know I love and I need my parents, they are the most significant factors in my healing process. I’ve always had that faith, but I know I have to see it myself, how in a concrete way did I come to that conclusion. When I try to find out the answer, realizations keep coming at me that I am more than satisfied. For example, I buy perfume, and I realize that I still remember very vividly how my dad smells. Or I buy cakes, and suddenly I remember that it’s still there on my tongue, the taste of the cakes my mother used to make back at home. When I realize that, there’s this strange sensation like I felt blood suddenly rush all over my body that I get goosebumps and then I find myself smiling so broad before I realize.
2. The perfect understanding.
My parents, they may not know what’s really in my mind because I’m not elaborately open even to them, but because they were with me in the process of growing up, they made sure they know everything absorbed by my head and mind, even though we lived separately for a few years in my childhood, and a few month within each year because they had things to do in their personal life, they made sure to check on me, monitor everything I watched and read, that way they always know, what kind of person their daughter is, and how her mind works for them to see the open door into me.
3. What does it mean to have faith?
As you live, you will understand that living is a neverending challenge, never-ending problem. A crisis of confidence has a really powerful damaging force. We know so little, even smaller to the peck of dust out of the universe. There are times when you are depressed, not the major one, but like those constant questioning about the existence of love, anticipating the future, dealing with the world we cannot control, and when you feel so, it really helps when you can keep the faith, that everything will be alright. That’s the point of faith, of believing in GOD, that if you do good, that if you fight enough, there’ll be a beautiful happy ending for you. The ability to see love is a concrete result of faith.
4. Being a decent human being.
My Mom and Dad encourage us to have opinion on things, to be perceptive, to be radical, to embrace ourselves, to learn acceptance, to think, to make peace with the outburst of emotion. Especially to me as their daughter, as a woman, they encourage me to understand what is it to be a woman, how to stand strong in the modern world and modern society, how to claim our place without losing ourselves. They guide us to be smart, not really smart by textbook definition, but in the ability to decide what is the best for ourselves and to make sure that we have the resource to pursue that dream. To be a decent human being means one have to really live, more than just merely existing, but alive. In spiritual approach, being alive should be much more than just survival. One has to find meaning. One has to define his/her own life, and not letting anyone change our narrative. My parents make me believe that I am capable of making the narrative of my own life, to be the main protagonist of my own life. Nothing is a mere creature. Everything has a purpose. The first step to becoming a decent human being is to do justification of our existence. To understand the purpose. To do what we were meant to be doing. To be a beautiful blessing to at least another one human being. One thing I always remind myself about, that it is important to be radical but leave room for argumentation, since nothing is perfect. You just have to do better every time you realize imperfectnesses, especially those that have a direct impact on your daily life.
5.Family.
My family is considered big. There are my Mom and Dad, four sons and two daughters. One thing I remember, my house is almost never noiseless. Well, it is expected with that amount of people living together. To deal with the possibility of discourse, my parents always make sure that our communication is good, children to parents or within the children. Constant argumentation, constant discussion. Every member of the family has the rights to point out some things that they believe need improvement, explain why, and most of the times, we find ourselves acknowledging our mistakes and promise to our own self to do better. I’m going to borrow the words from Viggo Mortensen when talking about his movie Captain Fantastic, that as radical as it may seem, the foundations of the family model are complete honesty, constant curiosity, and open discourse. In family life, discourse is very normal, the important thing is to make sure everyone feel they are heard, their feelings are considered, and every member of the family is communicating well. Another important thing in family life is personal happiness. One won’t be able to tell others to be happy or work on collective happiness if they themselves are not happy. It is very important to everyone to make the most of their life as much as it is very important in the family to tell each other to be happy.
Through the method they use in raising their children, my Mom and Dad somehow manage to have low-key comedians as their children, who understand how to survive in the modern world but also gifted with the unique and deep approach in understanding life and the world we’re living in.
Ahhh Maaa, Paa, I don’t know where I’d be if I didn’t have you. You both are the ones that gave me solid morals to live by and teach me how to dream. No matter how hard things are, whenever I am reminded of your soothing voices, of how composed you are, I somehow manage to heal. People say discussion with someone so smart and sincere is a humbling experience. And I am so lucky to be able to do that frequently because I have you both in my life, so thank you very much.
To put this to a conclusion, the most beautiful and noble thing about family is to have the certainty that, whatever may happen to you, however deep you may fall, there’ll be people who’d rescue you at all cost. Oh God, Alhamdulillah. No words can explain how grateful I am to have my Mama and Bapak as my parents.
e y e s a n d f i n g e r s 