In the last three days, I was sick the whole days so some errands I planned to do couldn’t come to a realization. It’s also been three days since I’ve been away from the internet so I had no way of knowing what’s been going on. This morning, I woke up very early, did some random morning singing, took shower, made some food. I was in a great mood, preparing food in my bento box, laughing because with all the belongings I wouldn’t seem like going to a library, to be having picnic would suit me instead. I was still in a great mood, laughing all by myself as I finally set myself on a desk at the library, open my laptop and prepared to finish some works and then write about Palestinian’s struggle to freedom that I meant to write since 3 days ago.
But, as I connected the internet and saw the first news online, I was immediately paralyzed. I was shocked beyond words by the death news of someone I love dearly, as an artist and as a person himself.
I know, especially as a Muslim, there is only one sure thing about human’s existence in this mortal space as mortal substance, that we belong to ALLAH and to ALLAH we shall return. I understand that very well. I know that I will die in a time only ALLAH knows, and I know that we’re here in this world only to make preparation for the afterlife, that we’re only waiting for death to come.
Still, learning about the death of a loved one would never come as an already prepared emotion. And I think that is very normal. It’s normal to shed tears, it’s normal to sigh heavily, it’s normal to feel an enormous loss, that’s about being a human with all the raw emotions we have.
So this morning when I see the death news, I don’t know what to think. I was devastated, trembling hard, shocked beyond words and practically the mix between paralyzed and hysteric.
And then I learned that he actually died of suicide, and it saddened me even more. He is so bright, so successful at a very young age, beloved by so many, still that facts couldn’t bring him to peace. The human mind is indeed a mystery.
But then, again, it’s not about how much you earn, how good your home is, how many friends you have, or anything alike, happiness is the rate of satisfaction you feel toward the life you lead.
The news struck me even harder because somehow, I can feel like sharing his feeling, at least as someone who struggle the same illness, anxiety disorder turned to depressive disorder.
Actually, I was very much hesitant whether to write this or not, since I’m not very fond of sharing my struggle elaborately in social media. But then I thought, it must be not only me who has depression, and maybe by sharing, my story will do something good to someone who read, at least I hope so.
In here, people are still not very well aware of mental illness. For some people, it is even taboo to talk about being sick psychologically. Getting treatment, going to psychiatric to get a professional opinion of your state of mind are still viewed as a strange thing. Mental illness is synonymized with ‘crazy’. People make it hard when it’s actually so simple. Your flesh can hurt, then so does your mind.
The human being is a curious thing, as well as his or her mind. It’s very hard to anyone else to perfectly understand the difficulty that a person personally faces. And a person’s mind doesn’t work in some simple ways. There’s a quote I like from Haruki Murakami, that people’s hearts are like deep wells. Nobody knows what’s at the bottom. All you can do is imagine by what comes floating to the surface every once in a while. Not knowing what is going on is not only applied to the bystanders, it also happens in the mind who struggles itself.
I personally think, the more you know, the more you think, the more you feel, then the more you don’t understand. The smarter you get, the more emotionally unstable you become.
There will be a time when all that left are questions. You ask yourself, why do I become like this, when did it go wrong, why am I so powerless, why am I so lonely, why is myself hard to even I rationalize. The anxiety starts building up in you subconsciously, and then it grows clearer and clearer. You are consumed by all the unanswered question your mind has, even about silly curiosity about the universe and human and life and living.
This is my personal opinion, written from experience, so even though I do have ‘sufficient knowledge’ of mental illness since I am treated for one, you who are willing to know more detail and more exact about the matter, you should add some more information from scientific paper.
Anyway, in the biggest groups, I grouped the stages and severity into two. First, there’s this easy course. Sometimes you feel alone, you feel not belong, you feel not loved, you feel like a failure or others conditions alike. Anything can ignite those feelings to build up and finally eating you up. You should call for help. Companionship can help ease the random blue. Counselors can help. Friends can help. Family can help. And you should let them help.
And comes the other one. It is so deeply rooted that you can’t see anymore how it all started. You know it’s there and you want to fix it, but you can’t see it so there’s no way to reach for a healing. You cry out for help but then there’ll come a point where you feel their help isn’t actually significant to mend your broken heart.
The second one is the most difficult, at least I can say so from what I feel about myself and my struggle. I read awful lots of book from a very young age, spend most of my times alone since childhood, I always have so many questions about so many things since then, and most of them I look for the answer alone through books and others. Being like that, I’ve always had my own little world as a sanctuary. I always know I’m different but then I didn’t let it bother me because I still have my parents around, my hilarious baby brothers and sister, thousands of books my mom and dad provided for me, the never tidy room I have back at home as my peaceful space. It’s always there and I’ve always been like this, it’s just I don’t have the moment to actually realize and see a problem arise out of that kind of me. Then I moved to study alone, counter a lot more people, see a lot more of things, and then I realize what I put aside before.
Others will then lecture me that it’s all to do with my personality. I have to change. The lecture about being the social creature and that other people are actually the one who really know us and has the capability to assess us. For me, take that bullshits away. To hell with assess and be assessed. They don’t know, I tried to be what they call good, I tried to follow popular things so I would have at least one common ground with them, I tried not to think a lot, I tried not to rationalize everything, I tried to feel okay when I see kids in famine, I tried not to wail of anger when I see civilian died of war, I tried not be glum when I see environment being destroyed, I tried so hard to let it go when they say it’s common to see human without manner, but I can’t. That’s just who I am. I tried to be what they call normal and moderate. I tried fucking hard. But I can’t. They blame bad things that happened to my personality. Well, it’s not like I suddenly do easy pick and be like this. Personality comes to be from a very long and complicated process. And by the time it becomes, we lose power to control or to change.
Other words from Haruki Murakami, here I quoted “Is it possible, in the final analysis, for one human being to achieve perfect understanding of another? We can invest enormous time and energy in serious efforts to know another person, but in the end, how close can we come to that person’s essence? We convince ourselves that we know the other person well, but do we really know anything important about anyone?”. That struck hard.
So people, when someone come to ask for help or even only want you to listen to him or her, DON’T JUDGE. Don’t judge another’s pain so easily. You can never imagine how hard it is for him or her. So to anyone who tried to give advice, please be careful with what you let come out of your mouth. Words can sting so deep it can never heal.
Anyway, back to the problem. You somehow someday suddenly (or not suddenly) found yourself heartbroken. You try to heal by tracking the trace. But you see none like a trace. You can’t see the root of your loss. And you start to lose yourself. That’s the hard one. At that point, not even the greatest psychiatric could help you. You are utterly alone, or not so alone since there is ONE that is always there. You realize you only have GOD to lean on. It sounds like a cliché, but there’s only that one cliché for you to live on.
Before I suffered that deadly illness a few years ago, I was praying only because I know I have to pray since I was raised in a very religious family. But then I got sick, body first, then mind, then both become more severe, and I arrived in this funny spot where everything seems not worthy anymore, I came to think of my existence and what is it to believe and what is it to have the ALMIGHTY GOD to pray to. I’m still in the process of healing ever since but there’s one thing that changes. I’ve come to a point of realization that all human will come and go, only ALLAH will always be around for me. I need GOD. I only have GOD to turn to, the sole source of the peace I’m looking for.
When you come to the darkest place in the enigma of your mind, you can’t expect people to let you out, they can’t anyway, only you and the CREATOR of you can find the way. The full understanding of the existence of the ALMIGHTY and the MOST COMPASSIONATE GOD is the only help. Now, you decide in what way you try to understand that. The approach may be different for each person. For me, I start to look around, to appreciate everything, even silly things, to take huge gratitude to random things I never consider precious before, to find a meaning behind every small happening, to think of everything, to find sufficient answers why life is still and will always be a beautiful thing. A call from my dad talking random stuff, a call from my mom to share story about the beautiful flowers she grows, a warm greeting from a street vendor I’m frequent to, a smile from a stranger as we lock eyes crossing some random street, when you have the privilege to think, you’ll find everything has meaning and worth to be alive for. For me, the ability to realize and to feel the love from such random happenings is a form of compassion GOD gives me. GOD’s love and compassion exist in the love you feel from others and the love you feel from yourself.
So, to everyone who feels like life seems so hard, nothing goes as you plan, you lose control of your mind and realize only when it’s already too complicated, it’s okay. There must be a point in someone’s life when it seems too hard to carry on, you stifle as you breath, and nightmares are the everyday company. When the time comes, be sad, cry, sigh, be angry, let all the emotions get out of your chest. Find companion in any form. There are countless reasons why you should stay, fight all the funny thoughts.
You have to know that it’s very alright not to feel alright. It’s okay to stop once in awhile. It’s okay to be selfish sometimes. It’s okay not to be thinking about things. Why should you feel powerless, when you’re actually only be given power, why should you feel like losing things, when you never actually own anything. Don’t give up, don’t do any funny decision, your life is yours alone, but life is a gift from the VERY CREATOR, don’t do harm to it as you pleased. Don’t let the bad thoughts devour you. Hold tight to your belief, realize that your life is indeed a gift. Tell yourself, repeat if needed, it’s okay to stumble, life is never a freeway. It’s okay to have scars, we are human, we are by nature to be flawed. It’s okay to fear. Confront and embrace.
Once again to you the suffering ones, please know that it is never solid blackness. There’s always some tiny flickers somewhere around. You just gotta find one and make your light that will guide to the beautiful peace of mind.
And to you, fellow human beings, DO GOOD, BE KIND, you never know when a random simple kindness can actually save a soul.
e y e s a n d f i n g e r s 